My Messy and Mediocre Brag

In mid-April, I invested in taking a sourdough bread-making class. Out of the 18 weeks since then, I've made at least one sourdough item for 15 of those weeks.

The morning after I returned from my trip to Colombia, I signed up for Duolingo to learn Spanish. Today marks my 82-day streak of having done at least one lesson.

Why am I telling you this? Am I bragging? Yeah. I am. 

I'm proud of myself because learning Spanish and making sourdough have been something I’ve wanted to do for a while.  But the real brag is that I tried it and I've stuck with it even though I’m not particularly good at either.  I’m messy and mediocre, and I love it. 

And this is worth mentioning because there were so many years (and also there are still moments) when I wouldn't do something I might be bad at doing. I’d avoid feeling uncomfortable. 

The wound of not feeling good enough, and needing to control things to feel safe, hardened into perfectionism. Being bad at something felt so vulnerable it felt dangerous. So I stuck to what I already knew I could do or get better at quick while steering clear of anything uncomfortable. It wasn't until I learned about fixed vs. growth mindsets that I understood how much my fixed mindset had narrowed my life.

How many adventures, experiences, and challenges had I missed out on because I was afraid I couldn't do it, or I'd look stupid? How had I developed a belief that if I couldn't do something well, it wasn't worth trying? I'm cringing at my past self and also feeling such compassion for her.

But it wasn't just achievement I was missing out on; it was the joy, fun, and expansion of following your curiosity. 

In my mid 30s and in active perfectionist recovery,  I made a point of doing all kinds of things that scared me. I felt brave and empowered. And then, after Covid and turning 50, I noticed how much smaller my world had become. I could see how many places I'd been staying in my comfort zone. I like being comfy and cozy. But there is a cost to that.

I share this in the hopes of inspiring you to reflect on areas of your life where you are staying comfortable or aren't doing something you'd like to because of your fear or limitation.

Maybe that's in your work. You're not going for the job because you don't check every box, or you're afraid to put yourself out there with a career shift.

Maybe it's physical. There's something you'd like to try, but you're afraid you'll look silly, won't be good at it, or feel self-conscious about your body, or what you think about it.

Maybe it's in a relationship. You’re avoiding the conversation that needs to happen, staying closed off to finding love, or not putting yourself out there to build a friendship, because of fear of rejection or fear of setting a boundary.

Where could you challenge yourself to grow, expand your comfort zone, or really enjoy being a messy beginner?

I’m a few months now into Spanish and sourdough; there is some progress, and there are still big deficits. And I gratefully acknowledge both. I’m having fun learning. I still tend to overproof and underbake my loaves, but my Sunday waffles have gotten really good.  I make a lot of mistakes with verb tenses and forget vocabulary, but my pronunciation is decent! 

So this is me celebrating the unglamorous thing. The fact that I stuck with something I'm mediocre at for a few months because the old me would've quit the second it stopped feeling easy. I’m celebrating the joy of learning and being uncomfortable.  

If there's something you've been circling, ask yourself what’s stopping you. Whether it’s fear or staying comfortable, this is your nudge to follow your curiosity. See what opens up.