The lie I believed about doing your best

 I grew up believing that success, approval, and love were tied to “doing your best.” 

Trying your hardest and doing your best was good. If you didn’t, it could mean you were not living up to your potential or, worse, were lazy. 

Can you feel the pressure and harm that living inside this binary caused us? We were either living in fear of being a disappointment and felt the pressure to be enough, or we believed we were already a disappointment and couldn't be enough.

I remember when Ethan was 12, and he wasn't a fan of his math class or teacher. He was trying to figure out the easiest and fastest way to complete the assignment, even if it meant cutting corners.  I asked, “But don’t you want to do your best?” He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Do my best? No. Why would I do that?” And I looked at him, dumbfounded, because I truly didn’t have a good answer. Maybe I was crazy.

I never thought about being discriminating about my time, energy, and effort in that way. I felt equally enlightened by my kid and also exasperated and worried about him too. Could you still be successful if you didn’t try your hardest and do your best at everything?   

Well, it’s now 10 years later, and Ethan just graduated a week ago from the University of Florida Summa cum laude. So yes, you can. 

Thankfully, I've been working on detangling my good girl conditioning for years. And it’s been much easier for my brain to understand and see it intellectually than it is to live it daily. Especially when it comes to my work and my family. 

Here’s the quote by Sue Gainz that has become a mantra for me. 

“Your best is what you can do without harming your physical or mental health. Not what you can accomplish when you disregard it.” 

It’s that second sentence that is so important. People push past what they truly need for their physical and mental health to do their best at taking care of "all the things" and to meet or exceed expectations, whether theirs or someone else’s. I can relate. 

Nine years ago, I was running two in-person conferences for TUT, five 4-day women's retreats, and two 10-month women's leadership group programs a year. I was “doing my best” to run a successful business, serve as the director of training for TUT,  and take care of my private coaching clients.  I accomplished a lot and made more money, but there was a very high cost to my family, friendships, and my health. It was way too much. Ironically, I was still plagued by the feeling that I wasn’t successful enough and that I always needed to be doing more. 

Deep down, we are aware of the cost. We know when we are bone tired or that our health, a relationship, our homes, or a certain passion project or dream is only getting our leftovers because we are so busy giving our best to other things. And when we get overextended and stressed, we find ourselves exhausted and doom-scrolling, then beating ourselves up for not doing enough.

Having to do our best at so many things becomes the excuse that keeps us so busy that we ignore the very thing that actually needs our attention. 

So what if doing our best doesn’t mean we are doing everything we are supposed to? And certainly not doing it all perfectly and exhaustingly.  

What if it means protecting and prioritizing what really matters?

What if our best includes taking care of ourselves gently and compassionately?

What if it means finally facing what our intuition tells us we’ve been avoiding?

What if we started with a simple acknowledgment?

My invitation for reflection this week is this: 

Where in your life are you giving your best to things that aren’t your truest priority, and what is actually calling for your attention? 

There is no “best” answer. Only your heartfelt, honest one.