Have you heard that expression to go all in?
I've determined that I'm not all in.
"All in" is a phrase marketers and coaches will use to motivate. I may have even used it myself in the past. 😬 If you go "All in," then you'll...do this, buy this, join this, achieve this...etc.
But most of the time, I'm just not ALL IN.
I love my business, but I'm not all in, certainly not "all in" on posting 3x a day on social media and all the other things I should be doing if I was ALL IN.
I'm not all in on my health. If I were, I wouldn't have eaten Kelly's Ice Cream 🍦last night or skipped the gym 💪 this weekend. I care about my health and put effort into eating whole foods, reducing my toxic load, managing my nervous system, and moving my body. I do a lot. But "all in"? Nope.
I could go on, but I don't think I'm all in on anything because not all “parts" of me are on board to go "all in."
I'm learning about honoring those parts of myself. The parts that need rest, have resistance, desire pleasure, and want to rebel against the shoulds. Those parts have wisdom too.
All IN feels like it comes with this or that thinking, which feels confining with specific requirements and expectations. If you are ALL IN- you would/should do or think this way. It triggers my perfectionism.
No, thank you. I've spent so much of my life going "all in" on playing the role of the good girl, "all in" on people pleasing and peacekeeping. I've been "all in" on avoiding conflict, accommodating others, and censoring my expression. Plus, the amount of shame and disappointment from not living up to everything I "should" be "all in" on means it's not worth it to be all in anymore.
Now I could end this by saying something clever like :
I'm only all in on being myself.
But that would be cliche but, more importantly, untrue. I'm still learning about myself in this new phase of midlife. Still, I sometimes do things or say things that don't come from my essence.
What about all in on loving myself? Oh, that sounds good, doesn't it? Yes, I want to be all in on that. And many days, I live in a place of really loving myself. But not all days.
Now, if the phrase "All in" works for you in an empowering and motivating way. Awesome. I believe that's the intention. I'm "all for" what works for you. If you are All In on something, let me know. And if some of this resonates, you can also take a break from trying to be all in, do all the things, and get it all right.
And I am open to the day when ALL IN makes me want to jump in fully. It's just not right now.
And that's OK.
Dipping my toe in gently today.